Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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