Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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