Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
