Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
