I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize