Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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