Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
