but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
