I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
