She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
