So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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