If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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