you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
