it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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