i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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