My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
