quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
