I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
