Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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