It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
