he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
