this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize