i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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