my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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