I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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