listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
