genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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