My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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