I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
