Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
