Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You made out with two different species that night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
