I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
