I just saw a hot homeless man
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
