We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
