Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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