I hate your face
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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