I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
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