I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
