I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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