I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
