my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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