What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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