just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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