I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
