So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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