So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
