Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
