Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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