um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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