My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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