i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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