My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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