Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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