my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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