You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
