he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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