thus making me awesome and them whores
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
