I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
