Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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